Back To Writing

A postcard and bookmarks
James Stafford

I haven't written a whole lot for quite a while. I'm going to say that it was probably a much needed break, or something, to help me get my thoughts in order. Or it's a lot more complicated and I have an overabundance of ideas flowing through my head and would love to get them all out, except that some of these ideas I'm just slightly fearful of.

The idea that I have is a satirical look at a serious topic that some people might take the totally wrong way or read something into it that isn't there. That's not what I'm frightened of. It's very topical to the current time and very much "in the headlines," and I don't want to put my energy into something that I read about too regularly. No, I think it's time to get back to basics and continue a project I started more than two years ago and has since disappeared from the web.

My blog was on Squarespace for many years and I loved it. Unfortunately, an unlimited account was a bit pricey for my lack of readers (and later, listeners). So, about two weeks before it was set to renew, I downloaded my database and decided to start sort of anew on Blogger, which was free (and hosted my podcasts on Archive.org). Everything has been just fine, except that the project I mentioned above is no longer available for my adoring fans to read.

That project was/is The Crate Gods, which is a memoir of sorts, inspired by James Stafford over at Why It Matters, a musical memoir and more. I'm sure I mention this in the first chapter, but it never hurts to repeat it, after all, words are free. I started writing it and got seven chapters in and, for some reason or another, just stopped. I might have gotten sidetracked with another project, or I just lost interest in writing it at the time. Well, I decided that it's time to pick up where I left off. However, I need a little time to write it, so I am going to post the first seven chapters over the same number of weeks. Hopefully nothing will distract me this time. I will start reposting on Monday and I am looking forward to continuing this long overdue project.

SGMR Classic: Worst. Idea. Ever

I saw something today that really made me think.  While driving to work this morning, I saw a guy driving and, at the same time, shaving with a cordless electric shaver.  I'm pretty sure that the inventor of the cordless electric shaver was not thinking of this as a possible use and I don't really know why we need such an invention.  I will admit that I do own one of these devices.  I got it as a Christmas gift one year and I do like it, but I do use it while plugged in.

1.  Well, I have to travel overseas and I don't have a 220AC to 110AC adapter.  Nope.  If you travel overseas you will either have a few days to prepare and be able to get an adapter or you will already have one.

2.  I travel for a living for meetings and have to look my best.  Sorry.  If you simply fly in to an airport, the bathrooms have outlets for just such and emergency.  If you stay at a hotel, I have yet to find one that doesn't have outlets in the bathroom.

3.  I go camping and don't take a generator with me.  If you're camping in a tent or a cabin Grizzly Adams style then you should play the part.  You're suppose to be roughing it, either grow a beard or use a straight blade.

4.  I often run late for work and I find myself having to shave while driving.  If you find yourself having to shave while driving then you should really wake up earlier.

5.  If the power goes out I still want to be able to shave.  If the power goes out long enough for you to need a shave then you are probably going to be more pissed off about the food spoiling in your refrigerator.

I just can't seem to find a practical reason for the cordless electric shaver.  It sounds like it might be a good idea, but then again, there are a lot of things that sound like good ideas at the time.  OK, I'm stepping off of my soap box right now.  I have more questions during the week.

The Greatest Lie Of Human Resources

Employment has evaded me. I had two interviews and they both went well, so I thought. I was even the leading candidate for one of those jobs, but in the end, I was tossed aside like yesterday's non-recyclable trash. At least I got a phone call to tell me that I wouldn't be working; the other one just sent me email with the great HR lie of all time:

Our team has had a chance to discuss your qualifications, and unfortunately, we have decided to pursue other candidates. We will keep your resume on file for six months and if another position arises...blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

To prove I'm fine, here's cats in a basket.

LIES!!!! They will keep my resume on file until the janitorial staff comes around and empties the trash cans. If it is kept, it's kept in an old, rusty file cabinet, in a folder marked with the month and the year. At the end of each month, a temp worker who is paid a couple dollars above minimum wage is instructed to pull the files from six months earlier and recycle them. At least my resume will be going to make one of those coffee cup trays so that it might see the inside of a conference room within the company.

It's possible that my resume and application sit on a server within the company somewhere. Maybe when they're desperate to drum up business, they'll pull the addresses from those applications and add them to their mailing lists. Then, when I get email, or regular mail, from the company I can momentarily have my faith in humanity restored before it's crushed under the wait of a catalog. No, I don't want to buy your products because I'm still not working and can't afford anything, cold-hearted bastards.

Anyway, here I sit, not bitter at all. Not seething with fury and waiting for the first telemarketer to call so I can unleash my wrath. No, I'm calm and cool and collected. I eagerly await the next prospective employer to email me to tell me that my skills are impressive, and I exactly what they are looking for, but for reasons, they have to choose someone else. No, I'm fine, really.

The Ethics of Time Travel

After thinking so much about time travel while working on the only three chapters, I began to seriously consider the concept and what would happen if time travel were possible.

Unfortunately, the idea of time travel is possible in the realm of physics. It's a fascinating idea that should not be taken lightly by anyone regardless of how absurd it sounds. If it came to pass that a time machine was built and it found its way into the wrong hands, it could be more dangerous than any weapons of mass destruction we could ever dream up. What if a rogue nation were to possess this power and go back in time to prevent the foundation of another country such as The United States? We would never know the difference, theoretically, since we could only have the knowledge of what was and is.

Time travel is still pretty abstract at the present time and only possible in the realm of theoretical physics. While the idea of traveling back in time and seeing the world as it was or traveling into the future (if possible, see my last post) to see what things will be like, there are some serious moral and ethical issues to look at. This technology could quite possibly be more dangerous than any nuclear weapon we could create. Think about it, what would stop a rogue nation from going back to the mid-1700's to stop our founding fathers and preventing the formation of the United States? Nobody would know because the course of history would be changed and we would all know it instead of what we know now.

What about the idea of going back and changing things only in one's life? Surely there can't be any harm in that. There can be though, especially if it involves life-changing decisions that would ultimately affect key moments in life such as marriage or children. If one chose to pursue a college education rather than taking a factory job right out of high school, then he/she may not have met that special someone. I would love to determine at least one possible path of events that would result from altering the past. Even if it was meant as a noble deed, it could seriously alter history.

The Handbook of Time Travel: Chapter 3

This was the final real chapter that I wrote of this. I partially ran out of steam, but I also couldn't reconcile time travel to the future in my brain. It got to be so full of contradictions. At some point I will write out the issues I was having.

Coming Home

Once the weary time traveler has had his/her fill of the past it's time to come back to the present. It is important that the time machine is put back in the same spot where it came to rest. It cannot be stated enough, but coming home after the initial departure time is imperative. It is also critical that only approved souvenirs are brought back from the past. These can be found in the back of the monthly TTA magazine.

Placing the time machine in the same spot where it came to rest in the past insures that it will return to the present in that very same spot. Failure to do this could cause embedding in a wall. Experienced time travelers know how much leeway they have in the room from which they left. If the doors were locked prior to initial departure as discussed in Chapter 1, then the time machine will not come to rest on top of household pets or children.

Coming home after departure time is critical to survival and not ruining the vacation. It would be inconvenient to land directly upon one's present self prior to leaving as it would ruin the trip and it is untested, but could also cause an implosion of the brain. There is also that matter of possibly ripping a hole in the space-time continuum. This would be very inconvenient for everybody.

The TTA has set up a list of approved items that one may bring back to the present. There are somethings that are permanently banned such as people of the time, bugs, extinct animals and other creatures, diseases, germs, viruses and anything else that could affect the present world. One must always get the proper vaccinations before going back in time and fully sanitize before coming back.

As with departing, location is everything when returning. It is important to know where the time machine will come to rest in the present. It's also helpful to not bring it to rest on any pets or kids, so make sure the door is locked. As always, time is everything and returning early could cause some serious problems for both the time traveler and the whole universe. Bring back only approved souvenirs so as not to affect the present and future.

The Handbook of Time Travel: Chapter 2

Going on Vacation

It's now time to take off for the past and a fabulous vacation. It's hard to know exactly what one might encounter, but preparation is key. Make sure the time machine is locked up securely and out of sight of any curious third parties. Remember where it's parked, though, as it is necessary to returning home. Keep in mind, what happens in the past does not mean it stays in the past. Aging is a concern, too, because the human body continues to age no matter where in time it happens to be. Finally, when coming home it is important not to get back earlier than the initial departure time because if one person talks to him/herself it could spoil the whole trip.

Things were different in the past, so it's difficult to tell what one will encounter when arriving in the past. Some times may be easier than others. Coming in during the late-1600's have pitfalls due to the superstitions of the time. Arriving in the middle of a war could result in death. Prehistoric man could go one of two ways, either the cave-persons will get scared and kill the time travelers or or revere them as gods (which may not be all bad). Pretty much, it's hit or miss on the people (or other beings), but it makes for an exciting trip.

Remember to stow the time machine in an inconspicuous location and don't forget to lock it up. The last thing history needs is a rogue figure changing things around. It also would not be be good to lose the time machine as it makes it much more difficult, though not impossible, to get back to the present. Communication from one time period to another is under investigation, the current technology means it is only possible to find another time traveler in the past and hitch a ride home. This is, however, a rare occurrence so keeping tabs on the time machine is a wise move. Being prepared and keeping the time machine safe are important, but there are some more important things to keep in mind.

One must keep in mind not to touch anything when traveling backward in time. Any action in the past can affect the present. It could also stand to reason that further back one travels in time, the smaller actions could impact the present more. It would also be a good idea to keep far away from relatives as any contact may affect present and future generations (no offense). This means that anything that happens in the past does not necessarily stay in the past (this isn't Vegas). If the time traveler meets an unfortunate end in the past, then he/she will not be returning to the present. This is, of course, a matter of debate if time traveling with another person since it would be easy enough for the non-dead member of the party to return to a minute or two prior to initial departure to warn the soon-to-be-dead party. It is thought that the instance of the same person appearing twice in the same plane of existence could cause the fabric of space and time to collapse. Because the idea has never been tested (for obvious reasons) it is only deemed, "NOT RECOMMENDED," by the TTA.

Aging is a consideration to keep in mind. Five years in the past will cause five years of aging on the time traveler. This would definitely be something to remember, especially if trying to hide a trip in time from somebody, but this will have to wait for the ethics guide. Aging cannot be halted in time. The TTA has tried to research the idea, but a solution has yet to be found.

The time traveler must be ready for anything as the people of the past may not be so welcoming to mysterious newcomers. One must keep the time machine safe and secure as it is the only realistic means of returning to the present. Touching things in the past may (and most likely, will) affect the present and future. This goes especially for people of the past. Death is a definite possibility and reversing it is difficult if not impossible. Aging is always a concern for the time traveler as the human body will age no matter what time it is. The most important thing is, though, have fun in the past.

The Handbook of Time Travel: Chapter 1

I wrote a series of posts back in May 2009 that was supposed to be a larger project. I only wrote the intro, three chapters, and a semi-serious essay on the ethics of time travel. Going forward in time was far more difficult.

Before Leaving

Going backward in time seems simple enough, go back in time, see stuff, take pictures, buy ancient Egyptian souvenirs and return to the present. Well, hold it right there, Millennium Man (or woman), it's not that easy. As with any trip it helps to have a plan before one leaves. First and foremost, choosing a time period is a good place to start. Most people wouldn't wait until the last minute to plan a conventional trip, why do so for time travel? It would also make sense to find out if anything of interest took place around the starting location. Starting location is very important for many other reasons, as well.

Location is everything in time travel for numerous reasons. Most time machines only travel through the time dimension, but getting one equipped to travel in the space dimension at the same time is possible. These machines are usually expensive and are still wrought with problems that can be deadly. The best idea is to find a portable model and take it to wherever seems interesting. If a portable time machine is out of the question, check out what happened around the current area and use that as a starting point. This helps to make a vacation much more affordable. If the time machine was built in a sixth floor apartment, there may be an issue if traveling back further than the age of the building. One may also want to research what was on the starting location in the past will also be necessary. Many time travelers have expressed a lack of desire to be embedded in a tree 600 years prior. Taking measurements of the room one is leaving from and noting the positions of specific items in the room is also good planning. Locking the door to the room will prevent unwanted results from occurring, like accidently smooshing the family dog, cat or curious child. Following these guidelines will help make it a safer trip, but there plenty of other things to consider. It's helpful to consider the weather and atmosphere of the past.

When traveling in time, different eras may have some different weather to worry about. There is, of course, the ice age which is quite cold and does require a warm jacket. The very first days of the earth were quite warm, so short, a tank-top and flip-flops are definitely recommended. The atmosphere is also a factor to consider since the days of the dinosaurs saw high levels of ammonia which may make a bit difficult to breathe. The smart time traveler may want to pack some oxygen for the trip. Packing the right clothes doesn't stop at the weather, they may also keep one alive in the past.

Not only are functional clothes needed when going back in time, but clothing suitable for the era to which one is traveling. Looking like an out of place tourist may be fine for Florida in winter, but the Civil War in the summer could be fatal. It would be wise to brush up on fashion for the specific time, after all, dressing like a Yankee while in Georgia is a sure way to make it a very quick trip. This works in the opposite direction, too. Clothes can definitely save a life in more ways than one, but it also helps to brush up on the language and customs of the era one is visiting.

Things have always changed throughout history, like language and vocabulary. It would be very wise to study the changes in meanings of words between then and now as many words do not yet exist in the past and many others did not mean the same thing as they do now. It is incredibly useful if one knows the customs of the day that he/she is visiting. It pays to not insult the people of the past and possibly end up either jailed or executed. Leave all electronic devices, computers, mp3 players, cell phones, in the present. Cell phones will not work, even in the recent past of the 1980's and other electronics may be seen as tools of the devil in colonial America. This could result in the holder being accused of witchcraft. Information on what happens to witches can be found in The Crucible by Arthur Miller. It helps to know the culture of the period one is going to, however, all of this preparation may just be for naught if the word isn't there.

There are limitations to time traveling backwards when it comes to the era. The earth is about 4.5 billion years old and, frankly, the first billion or so years were pretty boring for the average time tourist. The first 10 billion years of the universe were quite volatile and unsafe and it is not recommended according to the TTA (Time Travel Association). Stay safe and keep the time travel to a point when the planet is actually there. Luckily, most time machines are equipped with safeties to keep from going back too far in time and prevent "Big Bangin'" as it is referred to by teenagers.

It is always helpful to have a plan when it comes to time travel. Keep in mind the starting location and the history contained there, it could make for an unexpectedly pleasant vacation. Remember to start off at ground level and find out what on that particular spot to prevent any catastrophic events. The clothes make the trip, dress for warmth, safety and survival (also, not looking like a tourist helps). Making sure that the planet is actually present helps make for an enjoyable trip since 98% of time travelers find that floating in an empty void does not make for the ideal vacation. Now it's time to buckle up and go back in time.