The Greatest Lie Of Human Resources

Employment has evaded me. I had two interviews and they both went well, so I thought. I was even the leading candidate for one of those jobs, but in the end, I was tossed aside like yesterday's non-recyclable trash. At least I got a phone call to tell me that I wouldn't be working; the other one just sent me email with the great HR lie of all time:

Our team has had a chance to discuss your qualifications, and unfortunately, we have decided to pursue other candidates. We will keep your resume on file for six months and if another position arises...blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

To prove I'm fine, here's cats in a basket.

LIES!!!! They will keep my resume on file until the janitorial staff comes around and empties the trash cans. If it is kept, it's kept in an old, rusty file cabinet, in a folder marked with the month and the year. At the end of each month, a temp worker who is paid a couple dollars above minimum wage is instructed to pull the files from six months earlier and recycle them. At least my resume will be going to make one of those coffee cup trays so that it might see the inside of a conference room within the company.

It's possible that my resume and application sit on a server within the company somewhere. Maybe when they're desperate to drum up business, they'll pull the addresses from those applications and add them to their mailing lists. Then, when I get email, or regular mail, from the company I can momentarily have my faith in humanity restored before it's crushed under the wait of a catalog. No, I don't want to buy your products because I'm still not working and can't afford anything, cold-hearted bastards.

Anyway, here I sit, not bitter at all. Not seething with fury and waiting for the first telemarketer to call so I can unleash my wrath. No, I'm calm and cool and collected. I eagerly await the next prospective employer to email me to tell me that my skills are impressive, and I exactly what they are looking for, but for reasons, they have to choose someone else. No, I'm fine, really.

The Frustration of Unemployment

I fear I've become jaded and bitter in my unemployment. It is, after all, the third time I've been in this position, so I suppose it might be understood. I've noticed that this time around especially, there are a lot more "recruiters" and cold calls this time around. It's like somebody figured out how to make money off of the unemployed. On top of that, a lot more insurance companies have attempted to make me a salesman...here's a hint...not gonna happen.

The latest company to call me might be legitimate, but I'm too suspicious to find out. I get a call from this recruiting company based not in my state and from what I believe to be an overseas call center. I am not making this judgement based on the ethnicity of the caller, but the fact that an hour later I got a call from another person claiming to be from the same company and offering the same job, but from a different phone number (same area code). Prior to the second call, I decided to look up reviews for this company. This is where my spidey-senses start to tingle.

I belong to Glassdoor, which is a pretty decent job search site. They do company reviews there and I looked up this particular company. They had positive reviews and negative reviews as one might expect, but the positive ones made me do a double-take. All of the reviews were in the same format, The header was a job title in quotes, under pros it was one sentence to the effect of, "they are a good company to work for" and under cons it was something like "no complaints so far." The negative reviews are something else entirely and they go beyond a dissatisfied worker.

Most of the time, a complaint about a placement service would involve misrepresenting the job that was offered, the pay was not what they said it would be, the contract was too short, or something else that could fall under the "live and learn" banner. No big deal. Reading reviews for this company, it appears that people have been harassed late in the evening, called in the early morning hours (there are laws against that). Complaints that they don't call back once they get your information (apparently they sell it), and people who have apparently stated that they filed complaints with the FTC. Now, children, I have been upset with recruiters and placement services in the past, but I have never even thought about bringing in a three-letter government agency into the discussion. That was about the biggest thing, but there were some other small things that set me off as well.

When a person does the job of a recruiter, they are normally paid a commission, so it would make sense that even if they work for a company, they would have a presence on LinkedIn. At the very least they come up in a name/company search on Google. These folks don't. They appear to be nameless, faceless cogs in a bureaucratic machine...or they make up fake names and call people based on job board searches.

I suppose that the moment I grew suspicious was when I realized that this seemed too good to be true. When I said what I was looking to make, the actual amount was higher that that. They just needed my updated resume and the reason I was no longer working at my previous job and they could get me applied to this job. Seemed a little too...I don't know...easy?

Anyway, I think I'm going to stick with companies that I have either worked with in the past and are actually local to me. I will also apply to jobs that I find on my own and not take phone calls offering me everything I want.

Misconceptions About Unemployment

Unemployment is not all hockey trophies...

Alright! Unemployment again. Time to live it up and party like I have no responsibility since I’m getting free money on the taxpayers’ dime. I’m just gonna sit around, eat Doritos, and play video games for the next six months. My bum ticket has been punched. This is how some folks look at the unemployed. We’re sitting around, collecting free money, and going on vacations while they toil away in the salt mines for sixty hours a week. Can I help dispel some of these misconceptions?

First and foremost, it’s not “free money”, but a fund paid into by virtue of working for at least 18 months (in the state of Ohio, that is). Also, it doesn’t matter whether you’ve worked 18 months or 18 years, you get the same amount of money based on your income for the past year and a half. That is, 50% of your average for six months. Essentially, three months pay. Also, the bills don’t magically disappear when you lose your job. They become magnified and loom larger than life. Expenses have to be cut in other areas.

I’m not eating DoritosTM, though I might be eating the off-brand equivalent, but those are still a luxury. While I was looking for the sales and specials while I was working, now it becomes a necessity. I have begun shopping at Aldi more often, because they have far lower prices than anywhere else I shop. I’m not eating lobster and filet mignon (more like hot dogs and fish sticks, and not even good fish sticks, the ones made with the eyes and gills). I am, however, playing video games. That’s because I still need to be entertained and maintain my sanity. I already own my video games, or I traded in games in order to get a game I want.

Job hunting is not what it used to be. No longer do you get dressed up in a suit, or khakis and a polo, and hit the pavement and hand out your resumes business-to-business. I know, there are some people reading this who aren’t old enough to remember this method. If you did this today, you would be told to go online and fill out an application. That can also go by the name, “SOLICITATION,” for which there are city ordinances written about it. So my mornings are spent with coffee and the internet looking through job postings and the rest of my day is trying to stay busy (the house can only get so clean). Also, there’s the matter of the unemployment website.

...and reuben sandwiches.

The Unemployment website is a gauntlet of probing questions and frustration. When I was collecting unemployment the last time, I had to keep a record of the jobs I applied for. Now they ask for the names and addresses of two companies that you applied to in the past week. Finding two jobs to apply to that you actually want to do is not as easy as it seems, especially if you’re only in one field of work. Luckily for me, I have two avenues I can apply to, but even then, it gets pretty late in the week before I see something I might be interested in. I am not going to apply for any and every job I see, because I want to do something that I will like to do.

Whether or not I was required to look for a job while collecting UC, I would still be looking for a job. That’s because the money is finite and the bills keep coming.

I am signed up for five different websites for job searching. You might think that I am five times more likely to find a job. Well, not quite. You see, the same jobs appear on every website. Also, there are plenty of other listings. These listings are called “come-on ads” and they’re used to get you into a temp agency office and into their database where they can offer you work for not-quite-the-amount that was stated in the original ad (most likely, considerably less). Also, they will add your name to several other databases as well and you will be offered all sorts of jobs doing what you don’t want to do for far less money than you can survive on.

No, unemployment is not a party and I’m not “living it up” in any way. Personally, I would much rather get out of the house more than I do and do something that will earn me money. If it wasn’t for having a girlfriend, I would have no personal interactions outside of my own family. That’s part of the reason why I didn’t normally take a week off from work at a time. I got bored. I preferred long weekends. So here’s to hoping that I find a job soon, so I can start taking long weekends again.