Press Release: Career Day Apology

We at SGMR Industries, Inc. take our commitment to the community, and court-ordered community service, very seriously. We would like to issue an apology to the parents of students at the local elementary school if they were offended by remarks made by our President and CEO, Chadwick Fitzgerald Vanderhaven III. It is not unreasonable to perceive his comments as unsuitable for anyone under the age of 25, but it should be pointed out that nothing he said was a lie. Also, most kids in the second grade don't know what the phrase, "hookers and blow" even means.

It is obvious, when put in the correct context, that his comments made toward Ms. Johnson were meant to be complimentary. However, in his intoxicated state it is not difficult how such comments can be misconstrued. We're sorry that Ms. Johnson was unable to recognize the complimentary nature of the President & CEO's comments.

The President & CEO would like to express his thanks to the students and staff of "<school name>=?" and would like it known that he appreciates being able to use such a simple task toward his 800 hours of community service (related to last year's "neighborhood yard sale" incident). We are still amazed that the court has allowed the President & CEO to be allowed to enter an elementary school.

Announcing Our New President & CEO

After an exhaustive six night, seven day search at our corporate meeting facility in definitely-not-Havana, Cuba, we are now fully prepared to announce the new President & CEO of SGMR Industries, Inc. We have all heard by now of the sudden "passing" of our former President & CEO (who, for legal reasons, we are not permitted to state his name) who "died" tragically in a water polo accident when his horse threw him and ran away. Also, there might have been copious amounts of alcohol involved. We will miss the former President & CEO very much.

Our new President & CEO comes to us from <Note: Attach an impressive company name here before posting this> where he spent many years tuning a fine corporate machine. His vision is exactly the same as our former President & CEO, so he will be a perfect fit in the SGMR Industries, Inc. "family".

Many business analysts have pointed out that the new President & CEO looks, talks, walks, and drinks exactly like the former President & CEO and have expressed concern that the former faked his own death and assumed a new identity in order to avoid numerous charges being levied against him by local, state, federal, and international courts. They are completely wrong, the former President & CEO "died", but unfortunately, his body was never found. Yes, Chadwick Fitzgerald Vanderhaven III bears a striking resemblance to his predecessor, but these corporate bigwigs all look the same to us. It's not the same guy, really. We swear…just not in front of congress.

Ladies and gentlemen, we will never again speak of our former President & CEO ever again.