Repost: New Product Announcement

SGMR Industries. Inc. has always been committed to selling products for money to people who probably don’t need them in the first place. Since we first introduced our first product, people have been throwing money at us and clamoring for more. Well, we gave them more. We added more adjectives, and more shiny bits and sold it for more money than the previous version. That’s what we do and people love us for it.

Today, we introduce yet another, new, revolutionary, shiny, big, fabulous, and highly improved product. It will do something more impressive than the previous version and we will introduce something else that people didn’t think they needed. However, people will make a reason to need this product and they won’t care how much they have to pay for it, because it’s from us. We are excited to see how much more money we’re going to make off of this product and how many people will buy it before we obsolete it in six months when we tease our next product that will contain one more thing that people don’t need. 

We will begin preorders at retail outlets on Friday morning which means that we will control the entire news cycle that day. This is our mission, and when the product is released, we will only distribute at those same retailers so that we can build hype for the next iteration. People like to stand in line for exclusive products that they spend a lot of money on to look more impressive in front of their friends. Our commitment to our customers is to make them feel more important than everybody else.

SGMR Ind. New Product Announcement

SGMR Industries. Inc. has always been committed to selling products for money to people who probably don’t need them in the first place. Since we first introduced our first product, people have been throwing money at us and clamoring for more. Well, we gave them more. We added more adjectives, and more shiny bits and sold it for more money than the previous version. That’s what we do and people love us for it.

Today, we introduce yet another, new, revolutionary, shiny, big, fabulous, and highly improved product. It will do something more impressive than the previous version and we will introduce something else that people didn’t think they needed. However, people will make a reason to need this product and they won’t care how much they have to pay for it, because it’s from us. We are excited to see how much more money we’re going to make off of this product and how many people will buy it before we obsolete it in six months when we tease our next product that will contain one more thing that people don’t need.

We will begin preorders at retail outlets on Friday morning which means that we will control the entire news cycle that day. This is our mission, and when the product is released, we will only distribute at those same retailers so that we can build hype for the next iteration. People like to stand in line for exclusive products that they spend a lot of money on to look more impressive in front of their friends. Our commitment to our customers is to make them feel more important than everybody else.

A Holistic Approach To Moving Forward

I can't remember when, exactly, I posted this...

Today, we announce new analytics in order to empower our granular, client-centric approach to fulfillment. The new economy has given rise to new enterprise algorithms that will allow for the datafication of the cloud and increase clickthrough. As we look at the long tail, we take advantage of the low hanging fruit so that we can make management visibility a part of our next generation, content marketing solution.

The more eyeballs we can get on our disruptive innovation, the quicker we can develop an exit strategy that will keep us moving forward. This is a robust sustainability that will allow us to push the envelope through the sea change and help us to achieve our milestone goals. We do have a survival strategy on the runway that can easily become a part of our DNA. This is definitely a win-win if we can reach out to the right people.

In this new information society, we need to reach out to the stakeholders and think outside the box in order to improve our Web 2.0 netiquette. The framework is in place and we have already started our modularity. With any luck, we will be able to overcome the digital divide and start a cross-platform convergence toward hyperlocal building capabilities irregardless of value-added aggregation.

We've Changed Our Privacy Policy

If we actually had a privacy policy, we would be changing it, because that seems to be the latest trend in business these days and that's what we do…follow trends. Currently, our policy is simple, if we have your data, we hope to keep it private, but we usually end up selling it to whoever gives us money. This goes for our employees' data as well, but that's usually stolen every few weeks when somebody breaks into our servers. Ah well, those are the breaks of running a business I guess. The really important stuff, like the President & CEO's salary info, arrest record, and various enemies lists are kept on a secret, iron-clad server that nobody has been able to crack, not even the feds. Rest assured, that his information is safe, and if you know him and have paid him a hefty amount of money, you can be reasonably sure that your info is safe on that server. Otherwise, you may want to change your Social Security number.

SGMR Industries, Inc. Data Breach

Yes, I'm back to doing SGMR Industries, Inc. posts. 

Good news, folks, we've found a way to direct media attention away from our President & CEO's latest drunken tirade, and we get mentioned in the same paragraph as Sears, Kmart, Whole Foods, Panera Bread, and other fine companies. This is truly a shot in the arm for our bottom line. We will be having a celebratory press conference this afternoon and all employees are required to attend an can make up the four hours this weekend.

So what happened? There was a minor data breach in our server room and a few names and email addresses got stolen. And physical addresses. And social security numbers. And credit card numbers. And banking details. And security questions and answers. But that's all. The data was encrypted using the always-dependable A1Z26 Encryption Protocol. The number of records stolen could have quite possibly been as few as 15, but most likely it was in the neighborhood of 1.5 billion. We will be taking steps to recover the data before it's decrypted and sold to…oh, right, it was decrypted immediately and sold off to the highest bidder. Well, for all of those people looking for a fresh start, now is your chance.

More good news is that the President & CEO's data was not involved in the breach, nor were any of the executives of the company as their data is kept on separate servers in the Cayman Islands for "tax purposes". While we would take some of the blame for this issue, it should be noted that nobody thought that anyone would ever want to break into our computer systems since they are probably riddled with viruses due to the President & CEO's penchant for web surfing while intoxicated (and without pants). It also comes as a surprise to us that anyone would take our privacy policy seriously anymore and trust that their data is safe with us. I guess we can blame the victims.

We will be live streaming our press conference for free at 5pm, Cayman Island time (we don't know time zones). You must register with your social security number and valid credit card in order to view the conference.