Announcement: SGMR Wellness, LLC

We here at SGMR Industries, Inc. have noticed a great need for health and wellness experts in our great land. People seem to be spending more money in grocery stores and not nearly enough with us. So we are announcing our newest venture, SGMR Wellness, LLC, headed up by Allen C. Grant, HWG. Allen is a certified guru by our own strict set of proprietary criteria that determines what a guru is. Anyway, here is just a sampling of the wisdom of our resident guru.

From his June 2015 seminar, The Water Industry is Killing Us.

“Did you know that you’ve been lied to all these years? You have. The Water Industrial Complex has been cheating you out of health and wellness for thousands of years. You may think that you drink enough water, but you’re not. You’re only getting half of the necessary elements that you need with every glass, but it gets worse. Ladies and gentlemen, the water companies have been using fillers in their water. They have been cheating you all this time and you never even knew it. Look at this chart (he displays a chart of a downward pointing arrow on a graph), it showing us that world’s population has been decreasing for a billion years. Do you know why? Because BIG WATER has been contaminating their product with double the hydrogen for each oxygen atom that they give you. Do you know why? Because hydrogen is cheap, but do you know what else? It’s explosive. That’s right people, BIG WATER is trying to blow us all up! Wake up and look at this chart again, we are dying off. There are only a few people left on earth according to my statistics that calculated. When THEY tell you that the world’s population is increasing in numbers, don’t believe them. There are only a few hundred people left on earth as we speak, but there’s something that we can do about it.
“Ladies and gentlemen, I am introducing you to the newest revolution in water intake. I have created a revolutionary new water bottle that is infused with pure, organic, GMO-free oxygen that will help to repair the water that has been foisted upon us for millennia. It will add that extra oxygen that is missing from traditional water and make us all happier and healthier. Right now, because of our newest corporate partnership, we are offering this new bottle not for $10, not $5, but for $49.95. If you keep drinking that ordinary water, you will die. If you buy this bottle, you will know that you’ve done something good for yourself when you take that first drink. You will feel more energized and your vitality will improve greatly. What’s even better is that you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you are superior to everyone that doesn’t rush to their computer to buy two or three of these bottles because the more you buy, the better and more superior you will feel. Don’t cheat yourself out of the oxygen that you so desperately need. Live a superior life.”

Ladies and gentlemen, we here at SGMR Industries, Inc. are proud to have Allen Grant on our team to help make people’s lives and our bottom line much, much healthier. Because of the great occasion of having him here, we are offering a special on the ACG Oxygen Bottle, when you buy one bottle at regular price, you get a second one absolutely at the cost of a second one. That’s two bottles for the price of one plus another. Welcome aboard, Allen.

Back to Business as Usual

Lady luck is on our side and we're not even at the casino letting employee payroll ride. As it turns out, our new President & CEO that was announced a few weeks ago has now left the country. If he/she does not return to the US by Friday, then all of the government organizations that were attempting to shut SGMR Industries, Inc. down will be forced to drop all charges and let us go about our business. As it turns out, the new President & CEO will not be back by Friday, so we are free and clear to do what we want.

Effective Saturday, June 6, 12:01am, the current President & CEO will be replaced by the person he/she replaced in the first place, Alien Coffeeground. Of course, there are still a few local and state charges related to the soon-to-be President & CEO's public display a few weeks ago to deal with, but we can buy a judge and get off with community service that we can foist upon an unsuspecting employee.

On an unrelated note, due to unforeseen circumstances, employee payroll will not be processed this month. There was a small incident involving a deck of cards, a dealer, and a red ace. The rest of the events are murky save for a champagne-induced haze surrounding the rest of the night. That's the way the ball bounces. I guess it wasn't in the cards. 

Contingency Planning

Despite the ongoing SEC, FTC, FCC, and OSHA investigations along with the persistent rumors that SGMR Industries, Inc. is absolutely insolvent, has no reserve cash on hand to meet payroll, and the entire management team is hiding out in Acapulco, all employees will be required to report to work until otherwise stated by management or law enforcement. We have a few directives to cover prior to ending this email which has been sent through the TOR network.

1. Under the president & CEO's desk is a cardboard box with a stack of papers in it. Without looking inside of it which would incriminate that person, simply place it in the furnace and make sure that every part of it is throughly burned. Then take the ashes and split them up among five people that do not know each other and have each one spread them in an undisclosed location.

2. In a completely random drawing from our private spa and resort here in Acapulco, we have selected employee #714925 to succeed Alien Coffeeground as president & CEO of SGMR Industries, Inc. Congratulations on your promotion, we're sure you will do a fantastic job.

3. When any one of the federal agencies drop by for a visit, say nothing and point them directly to the president & CEO. I'm sure he/she will know exactly what to say and do to protect the management from unnecessary prosecution.

4. In the event that the aforementioned unnecessary prosecution does happen, all empllyees will be out of work. Due to circumstances beyond our control, unemployment compensation is not option. It also recommended that you do not put our company on your resume and do not mention at all during job interviews. It would be much better to say that you spent the past x number of years as a homeless, meth-addicted drifter instead.

Thank you all for working for us. While we didn't actually know any of you and could care less what happens to you, we would like to say that we appreciated your days/weeks/months/years of service. Also, remember to vote for Mr. Coffeeground for president when he runs in 2016.

Announcement: Our New "Non-Profit"

We here at SGMR Industries, Inc. know that issues are important to people. We know that there are things that people care about and want to support in some way that makes it look like they care. Why write a check to a charity if nobody else will find out that you did it? Why not buy a product that has a charity’s logo instead so that you can tell the world that you support this cause? It looks a lot better and it raises awareness. That’s where we come in.

It is our pleasure to announce the product of many years’ work to figure out a strategy to raise awareness, The SGMR Foundation for Awareness. Awareness for what? Anything. We want to make sure as many people as possible are aware of your cause. We have a team of marketers, public relations associates, lawyers, artists, and salesmen who will take your issue to the next level. They will not only create awareness, but they will turn your issue into a brand with a logo that will be emblazoned on products to get your issue into the public scope. We will also work to trademark your new brand so that you can sublicense it to your partners.

The SGMR Foundation for Awareness is not a traditional non-profit, but a “non-profit” in that it creates branding that non-profits can license from us to raise awareness. Naturally, the staff that we have on hand is quite expensive to pay, so we will have to charge licensing fees to our clients. However, the increase in donations to your cause thanks to the awareness that you will raise will more than make up for it.

We are looking to partner with other companies and corporations to increase our footprint in the field of awareness. Therefore, we will also be giving out a new award to those people who excel in the field of raising awareness. This award will be given to those people who display excellence in the field of awareness. Currently, our staff of artists, marketers, and PR people are working to design this award which will take around five years to complete. In the meantime, we will be making a ceremonial tweet to the winner.

Working at SGMR: Part 1

Meet Max. Max is a new hire here at SGMR Industries, Inc. and he comes to us with high hopes and expectations of gaining valuable work and life experience. He is young and eager to learn. Of course, we here at SGMR Industries have a commitment to Max, and we will do everything we can to crush every last one of his hopes and dreams and teach him that life isn’t fair and having high expectations only leads to disappointment.

Max is new at the company, but he’s not officially hired yet. He must work as a temporary employee for six months and learn how the company works. During this time, we will isolate him from the longtime employees and keep him sequestered with the other temps who also have hopes and dreams just like Max. He will think that he is working in the greatest company in the world and will be willing to sign on to be a permanent hire with us. That’s when we know that he will be here forever. Until then, we will spend our time building him up.

On Max’s first day, we will show him a glossy, well-produced corporate video that makes us look like a Fortune 500 company. It discusses the culture of the company and how every employee is an important part of the business and that their input is important to making this a better company. It isn’t though. We couldn’t care less what these mouth-breathers think. The purpose here is to give Max false hope.

Fast forward six months:

Max is built up and happy, and we decided that it’s time to let him know just how appreciated he is. He has been offered his same job for the same money with promises of better pay in the future. He gladly accepts and is willing to sign a contract to stay with us for a year. Once his signature is notarized, the real work begins. It is now time to ensure that he sticks around for the rest of his life. That’s what this program is about. By the end of the year, Max should be broken down enough and so unmotivated to find another job that he will gladly sign any contract that is put in front of him. Sure, we could make this company a place that people genuinely want to work, but that would cost money that could go toward executive bonuses. 

Embracing Tech Trends

We here at SGMR Industries, Inc. realize that we have kind of fallen behind tech trends but, as it turns out, it was part of our strategy the whole time. We let Google start the wearables trend with Google Glass and that was okay. Apple, Samsung, and Motorola followed behind presenting some pretty impressive tech in the most mundane way, a wristwatch. Didn't people give up watches recently? Well, we're looking at fashion trends and our experts have come up with the most innovative technology in the most fashionable way and we will be introducing it here in a second.

One thing our experts told us was that fashion trends tend to come full-circle and will once again be en vogue once again. Our new technology integrates so seamlessly into the fashion that it only made sense to release it to the public. This is a product that is so new and revolutionary that the competition will have no idea how to respond. We went back and looked at trends and made our well-thought-out prediction based on what our fashion expert told us and now, the results are in.

We all remember those days back in carefree 1980's, when big hair and loud colors were all the rage. While these fashion trends have yet to resurface, we are confident that they will make their way back to the mainstream within the next 6 to 12 months. Ladies and gentlemen, we will be introducing the SmartScrunchie and Skin-E-Tie. The SmartScrunchie is a wireless device that allows the female user to interact with her phone and send and receive text messages through a stylish Scrunchie that is holding her mall hair together. For the men, we introduce the Skin-E-Tie, a thin tie that allows him to send an receive texts and interact with his phone as well.

Both of these stylish smart accessories will be available sometime in 2015 and will be available in hot pink, neon green, polka dot, and checkerboard patterns. The tie will be available in pleather or leather. We can't wait to find out what you think of these.

Joining the Fight

There seem to be many people and companies (SCOTUS says they're the same) joining the fight against stores opening on Thanksgiving. We would like to announce that we are joining that fight as well and will not be opening any of our retail locations on Thanksgiving. I know you're thinking that we don't have any retail locations and you would be correct. That's not the point though. The point is that we are not going be opening retail locations on Thanksgiving, and that's what people want to hear. Hooray for us.

In a completely unrelated story, all SGMR Industries, Inc. employees are required to report to work on Thanksgiving Day for normal business hours. If people get all of their work done, we will, as a treat to our employees, allow them to leave fifteen minutes early. Keep in mind, however, that that fifteen minutes will be made up on Friday during regular business hours.

Happy Thanksgiving from all of the executives at SGMR Industries, Inc.

Company Update

Apologies for our long period of silence. It's been rough trying to let people know what we're up to with that gag order in place. Unfortunately for our president & CEO, the term "gag order" was not a figurative term. He tends to be impossible to shut up, especially when chemically enhanced and with an open internet connection. Apologies to the moderators of that My Little Pony forum where he went on a long, rambling diatribe about how the current issues in the middle east are directly related to the amount of screen time Derpy Hooves receives. We will be happy to block your site from our servers from now on. We will also donate money as a silent sponsor for your next convention to make up for the many children and adults who were traumatized. We do have some good news for those people with accounts saved on our servers.

Within the past month, an unpaid, outside consultant decided that it would be much more convenient for all of our customers if their account data, including names, passwords, addresses, phone numbers, social security numbers, credit card numbers, and driver's license numbers were posted in the clear on a well-known file sharing site for all to see. This way, any customer who loses his or her password will be able to retrieve it easily without having to bother our "well-paid" tech staff in whatever that country is called now.This is just another way to say that here at SGMR Industries, Inc., we are "Doing Stuff, for the Future."

Finally, we would like to announce that all of our employees will be required to take a class within the next month or so. The class, "How to properly address executives in the workplace," is the brainchild of John Fisher, MBA, one of our executives who was recently spoken to, directly, by a wage-earner. Just a reminder, no wage-earner is to speak to an executive at any time (this includes during personal time). Please, respect our hard-working executives.ewsn

New Product Announcement

SGMR Industries. Inc. has always been committed to selling products for money to people who probably don’t need them in the first place. Since we first introduced our first product, people have been throwing money at us and clamoring for more. Well, we gave them more. We added more adjectives, and more shiny bits and sold it for more money than the previous version. That’s what we do and people love us for it.

Today, we introduce yet another, new, revolutionary, shiny, big, fabulous, and highly improved product. It will do something more impressive than the previous version and we will introduce something else that people didn’t think they needed. However, people will make a reason to need this product and they won’t care how much they have to pay for it, because it’s from us. We are excited to see how much more money we’re going to make off of this product and how many people will buy it before we obsolete it in six months when we tease our next product that will contain one more thing that people don’t need. 

We will begin preorders at retail outlets on Friday morning which means that we will control the entire news cycle that day. This is our mission, and when the product is released, we will only distribute at those same retailers so that we can build hype for the next iteration. People like to stand in line for exclusive products that they spend a lot of money on to look more impressive in front of their friends. Our commitment to our customers is to make them feel more important than everybody else.

Our New Headquarters

Our new company headquarters has been completed only a few days late, and only a few million dollar over budget. It was not the walk-in humidor that put us over, either, but the hand dryers in the executive washrooms (if our executives say that diamond-crusted push-buttons will help them make better decisions, then we will get them diamond-crusted push-buttons). Unfortunately, the size of the pool filtration system was underestimated and some sacrifices had to be made. Luckily, it was only to the wage-earners’ workspace, but if we remove five desks it will be just fine. Middle managers will have to share their chairs and drawer space.

As a reminder, wage-earners MUST use the rear entrance that leads through the boiler room. We do not want to take a chance on any executives actually seeing you. Also, because the executive steam room is so new and hasn’t been fully tested, there may be a few leaks. Employees are free to bring a bucket from home to collect the water. Employees are also free to report any leaks to their managers who will then submit them to the department head who will slip them into the suggestion box next to the hot water heater.

There will be a party to celebrate the opening of our new headquarters. General employee will be given an extra fifteen minutes for lunch and it will be a pot luck. A reminder that all employees must work an extra fifteen minutes. The president & CEO will acknowledge that there is a party being held by employees if he’s sober enough to do so. Executives will be treated to dinner at the most expensive restaurant in town where no expense will be spared to make sure that they are completely happy. Of course, then we will have to get down to some serious work.

All executives must report to our usual resort in the Caymans for an intensive brainstorming session which will last three weeks. All employees will have to work a full overtime shift of twelve hours per day, seven days per week during the executive retreat. This is necessary for solidarity and support for our hard-working executives. Please give them the respect that they deserve by not talking to them if you see them.

Raising Brand Engagement

We here at SGMR Industries, Inc. have been trying to figure out how to advertise our company. We soon realized a few things about that. In order to advertise effectively, we would need to bring in a third-party agency to come up with a strategy in order to get our message out to the world. That, however, is cold and impersonal, and it doesn't necessarily guarantee us anymore customers than we have now. So we needed a new idea, a new strategy, a new direction.

We want to engage with our customer base on a whole new level while at the same time helping you to help us to help you. You can help us elevate our brand to new heights and increase awareness of our brand which will increase the amount of engagement. How will this work? Well, let's say for the sake of argument that you, dear reader, are unemployed or underemployed despite, say, your degree in advertising or marketing. Well, you could take that free time that you have and suggest a direction for our ad campaign and, possibly, even make some phone calls since you have some free time. Maybe you're a graphic artist with some downtime at the moment. You could make a difference in the world by creating a poster for our brand to raise awareness. It's a win-win situation for us.

Now, because this work is solicited on your part, we wouldn't necessarily pay you for it, but by raising awareness for our brand, you will be raising awareness for your own brand. Naturally, all work submitted to us will immediately be copyrighted and trademarked as our own, so you won't be able to claim it as your work, but you will have raised your own awareness by raising our awareness and that is what really matters. You can submit all ideas and entries to us through our contact form at the top of the page and get ready to have your brand engaged.

Our Commitment to Our Customers

Over the years, there have been many questions from the media, attorneys, congressional committees, and federal agents regarding our customer service policies. We have a two-tiered approach to customer service. This ensures that our customers think that they’re actually being helped and it keeps us from having to talk to them for that much longer. That’s what’s really important.

Our first tier is our automated system where customers enter into a labyrinth of unending questions about things that we may or may not have the answers to. Many of the questions are repeated so that we can ensure that the customer is not lying to us about the issue. Currently, we are tracking a user who has been stuck in the system three days and hasn’t given up yet. Should he finally make through, he will be directed to the second tier of our service solution.

Our second tier is our customer service center in…well, we’re not sure what the country is called at the moment as military coups and civil unrest continually disrupt business there. The only thing we know is that when the center is up and running, our agents answer the phones. However, if a customer is put on hold, we make sure to tell them every thirty seconds, through a recorded message, that their call is important to us. When a customer does finally reach one of our agents, they can be rest assured that the agent will stick to the script and ask plenty of questions which were already asked in the automated system. Most likely, the solution is as simple as going through the automated system again.

That’s our commitment to you, our customers (and your money). We will strive to make it look like we’re doing something. 

Vacation Time

Once again, it's vacation time here at SGMR Industries, Inc., but not for the wage-earners, of course. While management and the executives are out relaxing and probably getting completely ripped in back-alley bars in Thailand, the company will be overseen by a former drill sergeant who dishonorably discharged for being too verbally abusive. He has permission to use any means necessary to keep the employees in line while the highly revered executive team is off doing things to make them better at their jobs.

Please remember, the management and executive team of SGMR Industries, Inc. is not responsible for any injury or death due to the reckless nature of our decision to bring in this slightly off-center drill sergeant. If anybody does end up missing, DO NOT call the authorities because they are not equipped to handle him. Anyway, have a good week without us around. The company newsletter may be late this week.

Apology From the President & CEO

We here at SGMR Industries, Inc. would like to issue a formal from our President & CEO over comments he made last week at a national charity fundraiser. We realize that Mr. Coffeeground says a great many things and every so often these things are misconstrued and taken out of context. Many media outlets seem to have cherry picked the phrase, "...our customers our stupid people...". Obviously, there's more here that needs to be taken into consideration. Here's the entire quote in context:

"Our customers are worst human beings on the face of this planet. I mean, our customers are stupid and we exploit that stupidity for every dime we can out of them. Seriously, a dumber group of imbeciles has yet to be found. Now, who want to see me slam this bottle of Jack?"

It's obvious from the above comment that he was drunk, or contemplating drunkenness at the time. I think we should assume that his calling the customers stupid and imbeciles is just his way of expressing his affection for them. That would work the best. That said, our president & CEO would like to apologize if you, the reader and offended customer took his statement completely out of context. This one's on you, you idiot.

Construction Update

The new 100,000 sq. ft. SGMR Industries, Inc. Headquarters construction is underway and things are going well. The new five-story building, as well as the basement will be completed behind schedule and will go over budget several times. There are rumors circulating that the building will have far more workspace for wage-earners so that they will no longer have to share desks, chairs, and computers, but that’s not at all true. In a streamlining effort, we have cut the total amount of workspace from 10,000 sq. ft. to 7,500 in the new facility. This will provide for a more “efficient” workflow throughout the day and boost production.

The employee workspace is located in the basement next to the executive swimming pool and will have to share space with the boiler room. The first floor (ground floor) will be the executive racquetball court, showers, and steam room. The second floor will be the executive bar and dining hall. The third floor will be the lounge and cigar room. The fourth floor will be the executive offices. The top floor will be the president & CEO’s office. This will make SGMR Industries, Inc. a stronger company somehow.

Please keep in mind that non-executive employees are forbidden to enter any area that is designated for executives only. The employee entrance will be on the east side of the building and will be a nondescript steel door that leads into the boiler room. Employees will follow the dimly lit signs that will eventually lead into the new area.

The executive entrance is the set of double glass doors on the west side of the building with the doorman and valet. Tipping the doorman is unnecessary, but feel free to compliment him on his hat. The new building is slated to be opened on September 1, 2014. We know a lot of people in the construction business.

Newsletter: August 6, 2014

New HQ Update
The new headquarters is under construction and we could not be happier. Details about the new layout will be released tomorrow. It promises to be an exciting place to work if you're an executive. There will be a period of adjustment when the new building is complete, that adjustment period will be on the first day from 8am-9pm, after that everyone should be used to it. Also, in order to pay for the new building and all of the amenities, all non-executive employees will have to pay for parking. Parking expenses will be taken from each employees' paycheck. The following announcements are for non-imploded facilities.

New Employee
We are pleased to announce that employee #969292 has passed all of the psychological and dexterity tests as well as the obstacle course to become our latest production employee. He/she comes to us from...who cares, he/she's here now, so it doesn't matter. Welcome aboard, don't try to escape. If you see this new employee in the hallway, don't forget to laugh mockingly at him/her.

Lunchroom Closure
The lunchroom will be closed next Monday and Tuesday in order to take care of an ongoing infestation problem. Any employees who used the lunchroom in the past year and a half will probably want to get tested. Naturally, this is to be done on your own time since you waived your right to hold SGMR Industries, Inc. responsible for any wrongdoing. Symptoms may include a lot of things you are probably better off not knowing.

Career Day

As a result of ongoing litigation, SGMR Industries, Inc. is being forced to participate in Career Day. There will be students from the local grade school touring our facilities and asking questions about career possibilities. Employees are not permitted to answer questions about their job since we're not sure which students are actually federal agents. This rule goes back to three years ago when an employee answered the question of a 7th grader who had a beard, a wedding band, and a ball cap that said, "FBI".

Calendar

Thu, Aug 7, Career Day. Do NOT talk to anyone. Say nothing incriminating.

Fri, Aug 8, TENTATIVE, FBI raid on executive offices, have shredders at the ready.

Sat, Aug 9 to ??, All executives will be in their undisclosed, tropical location.

Mon, Aug 11 to Tue, Aug 12, Lunchroom closed. The "no eating at your desk" rule still applies.

Holistic Approach to Moving Forward

Today, we announce new analytics in order to empower our granular, client-centric approach to fulfillment. The new economy has given rise to new enterprise algorithms that will allow for the datafication of the cloud and increase clickthrough. As we look at the long tail, we take advantage of the low hanging fruit so that we can make management visibility a part of our next generation, content marketing solution.

The more eyeballs we can get on our disruptive innovation, the quicker we can develop an exit strategy that will keep us moving forward. This is a robust sustainability that will allow us to push the envelope through the sea change and help us to achieve our milestone goals. We do have a survival strategy on the runway that can easily become a part of our DNA. This is definitely a win-win if we can reach out to the right people.

In this new information society, we need to reach out to the stakeholders and think outside the box in order to improve our Web 2.0 netiquette. The framework is in place and we have already started our modularity. With any luck, we will be able to overcome the digital divide and start a cross-platform convergence toward hyperlocal building capabilities irregardless of value-added aggregation.

Job Posting: IT Specialist

Job Posting
Title: Information Technology Specialist

SGMR Industries, Inc. is looking to replace our recently and unexpectedly “retired” IT specialist. The job involves dealing with computer-illiterate employees who will use such phrases as, “the internet isn’t working”, “my email won’t turn on”, “my computer’s cup holder is broken”, and the classic, “I accidentally opened that file that you told me not open.” 

The job involves fixing computers, recovering passwords, reading email, attending meetings, eating donuts, and possibly risking life and limb in the server room (our lawyers require us to insert this line as a “formality”). Other duties include teaching people how to use a computer, how to surf the internet, how to check email, how to make that little arrow thingy move around, and how not to open suspected virus files. Basically, the job of the IT specialist is to be an overpaid babysitter for a bunch of luddites.

The qualified candidate will experience operating a computer, rebooting a computer, surfing the internet, checking email, and not opening suspected virus files. If you’re the IT from another company that knows programming languages and proper system maintenance, don’t even bother applying because those skills will not be used at all. Basically, we need somebody who can feign patience.

To apply, just come in and say that you know stuff about computers and make sure you exude an air of superiority. Just tell the receptionist that you know stuff about PC’s and she’ll probably ask you to help her “install the information superhighway on hers.”

Memo: 12 Hour Shifts

From: Floor Manager
To: All Production Employees
RE: 12 hour shifts

Once again, the first of the month is upon us and as we saw this past week, we were way behind schedule. Some employees have been speculating that it had to do with the company not ordering parts and supplies in a timely, which may be true, but the real problem is that employees haven't been working enough hours in the day. According to a "study" that the HR Department made up recently, when employees go home after only 8 hours of work, they tend to forget some of their job duties and work slower. After a full weekend off, employees will probably require complete retraining. The longer that we are able to keep people on the job, the more quickly they work and better production they have. Do not bother looking this "study" up on the internet because it is cutting edge "research" that nobody else has figured out. Also, according to HR, any studies that claim that people need plenty of sleep and proper meals and time off from work are paid for by anti-work boards and should never be trusted.

Thank You,

Floor Manager #492743

Job Posting, PR Specialist

Job Posting
Title: Public Relations Specialist

SGMR Industries, Inc. is searching for a public relations specialist who will deal with customers, law enforcement, lawyers, and third world dictators in order to preserve the already-blemished image of the company.

Duties include issuing press releases regarding product recalls, legal statements, and the all-too-frequent public apologies due the drunken rantings of our president and CEO. Other duties include deflecting criticism of products toward the customer and making excuses for certain executives in the company without risking their position on the board of directors. Jail time and public service may be required, and the company will split the fines and court costs with the candidate.

The qualified candidate will have the pertinent education, a winning public personality, be well-spoken and eloquent, and be able to think up airtight alibis on the fly. A functional alcoholic is preferred as we do not want to corrupt a perfectly good person for this job. Also, there is no drug test required for this position; we understand.

Submit resumes through the online form that may or may not work as our IT guy is quitting next and just doesn’t care anymore. It would be preferable that any all candidates just show up at our offices and yell at the receptionist until a member of human resources comes out to see what all the fuss is.